Imagine if you meet your date this weekend and they introduce you to the other person they’re already dating.
I mean, seriously dating. As in, they spend a considerable amount of time with them every month. Maybe every week. Or night.
Up for a challenge?
What if the other person is unbelievably gorgeous. We’re talking too good to be true. Literally. I mean, like no real life human being could be that physically flawless.
Speaking of the physical. Did I forget to mention? Your date is already in a physical relationship with this other person.
In fact, they’ll do just about anything with your date. And already have.
Still cool?
Perhaps your date has just been using this other person to sate their sexual appetite. (That certainly speaks volumes of their character, but at least they won’t be using you like that.)
Then again, if your relationship progresses, it’s quite likely your date will eventually want you to please them the way the other person always has. In fact, they might even use the other person to show you how.
If you have a shred of dignity, I hope you would bow out of this relationship before the first date begins.
The Reality of Pornography
Have you ever thought of porn this way?
If the person you’re seeing, is seeing porn every night, or even every month, they’re already in a serious relationship.
It may not be a real relationship, but it is a sexual one, which means it’s an emotional one as well.
Now it’s possible that dating you empowers them to stop using porn.
For a time.
This is quite common, because the excitement of a new romantic relationship with a real life human being (in this case, you) often reduces the anxiety, depression, insecurity or boredom that drove your date to seek out porn.
But you need to understand this. No. You need to BELIEVE this:
It
Will
Not
Last.
Because a relationship with you is simply not going to solve all of the issues that drove your date to porn in the first place. You don’t have it in you.
You Shouldn’t have to Compete with Porn
Please don’t be offended when I say you can’t fix your porn-using lover. I’m sure you’re an amazing person.
But so is my wife, Julie! In fact, from all I’ve read on the subject of marriage, it’s safe to say few men in all the world share the kind of life-giving relationship I have been privileged to enjoy with my her for the last 23 years.
But that didn’t stop me from turning to porn after I lost my job in August of 2000. Six months after buying our first home. And while we were expecting our 3rd child.
Hear me clearly: Julie is – no lie – fan-dang-tastic! And she was both a rock and comfort during that difficult season of transition.
But porn is also pretty amazing. In it’s own fantastical pain-killing way.
That’s why I had to confess my struggle to Julie and take drastic action to cut pornography out of my life permanently.
No wife should have to compete with the fantasy of porn.
And neither should you.
Stop Dating Porn
If you’re the one caught in the vortex of porn, I recommend you do just what I did.
Kill porn before it kills you. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. It’s worth it!
Only once you’re free of porn’s gravitational pull, should you begin looking for someone to share your life with.
Because no one wants to share their life with someone who cannot resist a sin which destroys relationships and lives. And that’s precisely what porn does.
Porn is like that politician you can’t trust wearing a Mother Teresa mask. It’s Chuck Norris’ evil twin dressed in baby sea lion clothing. It’s the grim reaper with the body of a supermodel.
In other words, it’s deceptive, it’s dangerous and in the end it brings death.
There is No Such Thing as Dating Therapy
In closing, understand that romantic relationships do not help a person kill a porn habit. There is no such thing as dating therapy.
A person struggling with porn needs to be single-minded in putting this sin to death, but romantic chemistry will keep someone from discerning the full weight of porn’s influence in their life, and distract them from the disciplines necessary to defeat it.
I’m not saying porn is something you have to kill alone. I’ve never met anyone who did that. I’m saying, deep, intimate friendships with members of the same sex (where there are no romantic hopes or sexual temptations) are the kind of relationships that person needs.
So, if you’re dating someone struggling with porn, you’ll let them go so they can do that. Even if you’ve been dating for some time. Even if they seem to have their act together in all other areas of life. Porn is like an autoimmune disease of the soul which makes a person vulnerable to many other temptations and weaknesses. If you were married, you’d have to honor your vows, but you’re not.
And if you’re the one fighting the good fight for freedom you must face the hard truth that…
Porn will keep you from being a faithful partner who can love, honor and cherish someone the way our heavenly Father would wish.
This means you need to release your beloved, trusting if your relationship is meant to be, your victory over porn before your engagement will be part of the beautiful love story you’ll be able to tell your children.
And what an example that will be to them about whatever sin struggle they must face.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
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The LoveEd study guide series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE! It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. Check out the first two 8-lesson study guides in our store. You can walk through it on your own, but it’s more fun with friends, so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study. Even better? And ask a married couple you respect to lead it!
