She Loves Me. She Loves Me Not. (Belonging Part 1)

It’s time for #4 of the TOP10 Dumbest Reasons to Date: Belonging.

She Loves Me She Loves Me Not

Are you thinking, “Hmmmm… Belonging is actually a good thing – even an essential need! Does this idiot think I should go through my whole life without belonging – and like it?”

No, I don’t. Belonging is one of the most important feelings you can experience, because unlike other positive feelings, belonging is directly related to relationship. You can be happy, peaceful or excited all by yourself, but to feel belonging requires someone (or someones) to whom you belong.

Do you long to date out of a desire to belong to someone?

If you’ve read enough of my DNA posts, you may recall that as early as third grade I desperately wanted to belong to someone! I wanted to be chosen! (Particularly by a pretty girl. Preferably the prettiest.) Perhaps the words I longed to hear more than any others were:

“I love you too!”

And as long as I’m making confessions here, let me go ahead and fully expose my cosmic naïveté. I actually used to think something along the lines of this: “If I had a girlfriend, it wouldn’t matter how bad or hectic or confusing my life was, because I’d know that someone loved me.”

And I didn’t just think that back in third grade, or even in middle school, when perhaps it might have been forgivable. I still had that Disney script running through my head in college. I might hold that silly notion today if, I hadn’t finally won my first girlfriend the second semester of my junior year in college.

It was then I discovered at last, that in spite of “knowing that someone loved me,” it still mattered when life went wrong. I still experienced disappointment and frustration. And worse? Sometimes it was her fault!

Still, despite the far-fetched idealization that surrounded my desire to date…
it is natural,
it is normal,
it is healthy and
it is human,
to want to belong.

But here’s a truth that’s taken me decades to grasp:

Belonging is something you only feel when you believe it.

We’ll unpack that further next week, but for now I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you feel secure in the important relationships in your life right now?
  • Do you find yourself motivated many times by a gnawing loneliness?
  • Do you long to be chosen by someone special?
  • Do you have unrealistic expectations for romance bringing an end to all your loneliness?
  • Have those unrealistic expectations already sabotaged previous relationships?

DNA: It’s What’s For Dating

Dug this weekend’s DNA? Be a good friend and share with your friends on the social media platform of choice: Instagram, Youtube, Facebook, or Twitter.

Want to go beyond what a blog post can accomplish? The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE!

It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.

Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through it on your own, but it’s more fun with friends, so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study. Even better?  And ask a married couple you respect to lead it!

 

Categories: Belonging, DATING, Discontentment, Expectations, Learn from My Mistakes, TOP10 Dumbest Reasons to Date
  • I have met countless people who consciously or subconsciously believe all their problems will disappear once they score a girlfriend/boyfriend. Many of them still believe it even after socring a significant other. Instead they think, “All of my problems aren’t dissapearing, I must be dating the wrong person”, break up, and then try dating someone else.

    • And even sadder than that? When those same people finally get married… and then still find their problems don’t disappear… and then divorce and remarry. THANKS for joining the conversation, Holt!

  • Deb B

    I find this easier to know with my head than to feel with my heart. Which is why we can’t base our life on feelings 😉 That longing for another person’s love just never seems to want to go away, even though I let it drive me toward God.

    • I am HEARING you, Deb. Right now I find myself trusting God for something totally different right now, but that’s right where He wants us. We have to keep reminding ourselves HE is enough – not just his blessings – no matter how good and right they may be – but just HIM and HIS PRESENCE. That is what we were made for. Thanks for sharing your heart.