The Single Person’s Guide to Relationship Status Interrogation
“Have you made a vow of celibacy?”
Face the annual family inquisition in style with the perfectly awkward reply to make Aunt Lulu just as sorry she asked her question as you are.
For starters, let’s tackle the most common question every wise individual must be prepared to address. It’s the query married folks find as irresistible as a second helping of Grandma’s world-famous secret-recipe pie.
Q: Are you still single?
A: Who’s asking? Are you interested? What are you doing tonight after the family turkey toss?
As you might have gathered, the goal here is not merely to turn the tables on your inquisitor, but literally turn the table on top of them. Leaving them helpless! Flat on their back like a beetle with its legs kicking in the air. Only with a table on top of it.
So more like a crushed beetle who can’t move it’s legs at all anymore. And can’t ask any more intrusive questions either. That’s what we mean by “crushing it!”
But some relatives have a slightly more nuanced way of posing the same question.
Well I say, fight nuance with nuance. That’s why I suggest two different tacks you could take when Grandpa Nosy asks…
Q: Are you seeing anyone?
A #1: I see dead people.
Whoop! Thar it is! This is your answer if you really need a “get out of jail free” response. For added effect, say those four spellbinding words as you stare intently into an empty place in the room. You know, as if you actually see a dead person standing there.
A #2: Thank you for caring, but my eyesight is 20/20 [with contacts/glasses/spyglass] so I’ve seen quite a few people this week, but it’s so good to see you!
This is a better response if you’re open to dialogue, just not about your dating life. Suggested follow up question: “Are you still just as nosy as ever or what?”
That sure beats, recounting all your First Date FAILS of 2017.
Q: How are you still single?
A: How are you still married?
This one was too easy. And the sheer elegance of this response is not only it’s perfect mirroring of the original question, it’s in the fact that this five-word reply generates so much more awkwardness than Uncle Bozo could have dreamed of creating in his five-word question.
In other words: you might not have a mate, but check mate! You win!
Q: Have you tried internet dating?
A: I did, but I had to take down my account after I got matched up with someone I knew. Who happened to be a married relative. Talk about awkward, right?
So much just happened there. Trust me. You respond like this and your interrogator won’t even remember the original question. They’ll be too consumed with wondering who the guilty relative might be.
Especially if it might be them!
Q: Are you gay?
This is another question that deserves a couple of options, depending on whether you’d prefer to Jesus juke or threaten the in-law who wants to identify you by what’s none of their green beans.
A1: I sure am! I’m happy in the Lord, brother/sister! Especially at this gay occasion we all get to be a part of! Doesn’t this season make everyone gay?
For maximum impact, be sure to answer the above loud and proud! After all, if people can march in pride parades about what they like to do in the bedroom, why should you be shy about proclaiming the joy of the Lord?
A2: As long as you’re open to asking personal questions about my sexuality, I’m sure you’d be cool with answering one of mine first.
Then go ahead and pose that query you’ve been dying to know!
Or at least the one that will make them want to die. The way you wanted them to die when they assumed you found your identity in sexuality. And that it was their prerogative to ask about your sex life in the first place.
Speaking of death! Wait till you hear how you can put the beat down on this all-to-common inquiry…
Q: Whatever happened to [insert name of ex-significant other here]?
Before answering this one, let a crazed look sweep across your face. You know, like one a serial killer might give. For optimal realism, let it happen ever so briefly. And even more subtly. (You might try practicing in the mirror ahead of the holidays.)
Then lean in and lower your voice. You don’t want to whisper, but you do want to turn up the tension when you reply…
A: Last time I saw them they were begging for mercy. I’d really rather not talk about it here though, so let’s just say they were “taken care” of and leave it at that.
In this response you give your cousin twice removed (and twice as rude) a good reason to switch the subject before you “take care of them” the way you did your ex. Capisce?
Q: Have I told you about this person you should meet?
A: They can fill out an application on my website. I’ll text you the link.
There you go! All the right answers to all the wrong questions you love to hate. All in one place.
Now go and love on that family of yours. Don’t let the holidays get you down, don’t lose your sense of humor, and don’t forget: if they didn’t care they wouldn’t ask.
Oh, and in any down time, check out our Hot Topic page dedicated to growing in healthy life-giving relationships. After all, if you do just happen to meet Ms or Mr right this holiday season, you want to be ready.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!