How to Ask Someone Out (Somebody Asked Me Part 2)

dna-check-yes-or-noLast week we introduced #7 of the TOP10 Dumbest Reasons to Date: Somebody asked me. In short, I suggested having a date invitation isn’t reason enough to accept. Why the heck not? Read last week’s post.

As a result, I suggested the “invitor” should invite the invitee with their intentions on the table. Perhaps that comes across a little premature to some. (State intentions with the first date invite? REALLY?!? Is this just a sneaky way of trying to trick people into courtship?!?)

Ugh! I hate name calling.
You say, “to-MAY-toe.” I say, “to-MAW-toe.”
You say courting. I say dating.
Let’s call the whole thing off!

Seriously, let’s call the whole romantic metanarrative of our “modern” society what it is: broken, ineffective, foolish. Can we do that?

I do a lot of reading on this subject and best I can tell, there’s finally something on which homeschooling Mennonite farmers and philosophizing, atheist hipsters can agree: for all of the “sophistication” and “enlightenment” of contemporary culture, the generally accepted ritual for how two people couple up, commit, copulate and care for the product of conception isn’t working. The latter may believe that’s because the old customs are outdated, and the former because they have been perverted, but both agree it’s time to try something different!

Now back to my recommendation to you-who-aspires-to-ask: ask with reason! This will require getting to know your “object of affection” as a friend first before you even think about dating them. What’s the best way to accomplish that? This little-known secret to preventing first date FAILS.

Once you’re friends for a couple months (or years), how do you take things to the more-than-friends level? What would an invite with stated intentions sound like?

Here’s just an example. It’s NOT for you to copy and text to your current friend. It’s just to cast a vision (and I pray it will).

I’d like to ask you out on a date, but I want you to know why. I feel like I’ve gotten to know you pretty well over the last three months and you’ve impressed me by your quiet spirit when conflicts have arisen in our group of friends. I’ve also been impacted by your insight and deep questions. And quite frankly you make me laugh – a lot. I’ve been glad to call you a friend, but I’d like to get to know you on a deeper level to see if we might become more than that. I believe I’m a better person for having known you already. If you feel the same way about me, I’d like to suggest we discover where God might take our relationship from here. I don’t expect you to answer right now, but once you’ve had some time to consider let me know your thoughts.

Again, THAT’S JUST AN EXAMPLE. Your invite might not come off so formal, but there should be an element of both significance and sincerity.

I know. I know. Things never play out like this on screen. Everything is flirty and nonchalant (because that’s funny), or intense and sentimental (because that’s touching). I’m not trying to set you up for a love life that makes people laugh or cry. I’m aiming more for a love life that will inspire others to become better human beings – more honest, more vulnerable, more whole.

And with that, I’d love to know your response.

Ladies: How would you feel about an invite like this? Am I missing something? Is it too much? (Remember, you’re only going to get an invite like this from someone who feels they already know you pretty well.)

Men: What questions or concerns does an invite like this stir up in you? Your comments this week would be most helpful, because next week I want to deconstruct this invitation. I’ll try to establish and explain each element in a way that would enable you to initiate your own date invite in your own words.

DNA: It’s What’s For Dating

Speaking of intentions: here are my intentions for promoting the LoveEd study guide series, Beyond Sex & Salvation: I want to make money helping you gain helpful perspective on sex, relationships and dating. The more money I make doing this, the more I can write and speak, spreading the FMU gospel of love. Check out Part 1: Three Critical Life Lessons for Relational Success NOW on iBooks, Kindle or Nook.

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Categories: DATING, Somebody Asked Me, The Invitation, TOP10 Dumbest Reasons to Date
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  • I would be very pleased and flattered to be asked out in such a manner. I love it that the last part takes the pressure off of the girl to answer on the spot. Very considerate. Thanks for the good post!

  • I love this idea! I wouldn’t be as formal but I believe without setting clear intentionsand expectations, you are building the setup for disappointment! However, I have noticed that many women i’ve come across actually get intimidated by these clear up front intentions. Synergy bc our culture has adapted so well to al the game playing; its almost like a survival technique and defense mechanism. I still would want to be that clear up front but I can’t say that past experiences don’t make me a little hesitant each time.

  • Great feedback, Ricardo! Thanks for sharing!

  • Glad you liked. Thanks for the encouragement!

  • Andrew Hopp

    Wow. Just wow!! That is a great way of phrasing the invitation! I was quite surprised with how long that was and my initial thought was, could I shorten that down some. As I read over it a couple of times it kept becoming more clear to me just how vital ever part of that invitation is. I have been looking for a good way to transion from my current relationship stage of friends who like each other to courting without all the legalism. Thank you very much for writing that. I will do my best to come up with a similar one for her specifically.