@#^%$! I’m Sorry, Where Were We?
This week we learn from #8 of the TOP10 Signs You’re on a Bad First Date: Your date takes a call from their ex, and after cussing them out right in front of you, hangs up and says sweetly, “I’m sorry, where were we?”
OK. So this guy has a temper. And to be perfectly honest, I do too. I simply don’t exercise the level of self control over my mouth that I should.
Having confessed that log in my eye, let me make this clear: no girl I ever dated (except for Julie) ever knew about my temper. And Julie most certainly didn’t find out on our first date. Nor the second. Nor the 10th.
If we’re honest. We all have our “stuff” we need to work though, but at the same time, I hope you understand there is something deeply disturbing about someone demonstrating such deficiency of character on a first date, because the immature behavior someone is willing to showcase in public is generally just the tip of the iceberg of what you can expect them to reveal in private. And the immaturity someone reveals on a first date is the tippy toppy tip of the iceberg of what you should expect from them after you grow more familiar with each other.
So if your date will blow up at their ex right in front of you on a first date, consider whether you want to take a number, because if you pursue a relationship with this person – you’re next. And if they’re willing to yell at you (whether in person or over the phone) right in front of someone else I shudder to think of what kind of abuse you might be in for in private.
This underlines an important truth referenced in an earlier Date Night Advice (DNA) post that I just can’t stress it enough (but I’ll try by typing in bold caps):
BEWARE OF BAD BEHAVIOR EXHIBITED ON A FIRST DATE!
There is very little reason to expect your date’s behavior to improve over time.
Of course with proper parenting, a child’s behavior should improve as they grow up, but you shouldn’t be dating a child. You should be dating a grownup.
So in addition to violent outbursts, consider these first date danger signs:
- Did your date drink too much?
- Did they make inappropriate remarks about your appearance?
- Did you catch them in a lie (even a little one)?
- Did they touch you in any way that made you feel uncomfortable?
- Did they take you some place that made you ill at ease?
- Did they insult you, belittle you, shame you, judge you or ignore you?
- Did they spend the entire evening gossiping about others, complaining about their circumstances, or bragging about their accomplishments?
- Did they cuss like a sailor?
- Dress like a stripper?
- Eat like a cow?
- Smell like a moose?
If so, at the close of the evening encourage them to go – go with God – but go.
And be sure to put them on your prayer list (seriously). Again, we all have issues. We are all “works in progress,” but…
Someone who can’t keep it together for a first date clearly isn’t ready to date at all.
They need to work on their emotional and relational maturity.
Fact is, you won’t find relational and emotional healing in romance, not even if your romantic interest is a therapist. You’ll find temporary distraction, but not long-term healing.
Relational and emotional healing comes through close, committed, platonic relationships. That said, this person may only need a couple good friends or mentors (of the same gender) who can help them walk through their mess. Until then instead of dating them, pray for them!
And in case you were wondering, I’ve got some solid men of God who know my mess and pray for me. Hope you have a couple yourself, even if you don’t have a temper problem.
Does any of this raise new questions? Just holler back! (But please, no yelling.) In next week’s Date Night Advice we hit #7: Once seated at the restaurant you find out your date’s ex works there, and you “just so happen” to be sitting in their section.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!