NFL Rebranding Halftime: Super Bowl Half-clothed Show
[WARNING: This is a satirical post from The Relational Reporter. If you do not get satire, don’t like satire, are offended by satire, or simply don’t know what satire is, please don’t read this post.]
“After much deliberation, prayer, meditation, and market research, the NFL is ready to announce the rebranding of the Super Bowl Halftime show. We figured, let’s just call it what it is: the Super Bowl Half-clothed Show. That way there should be no confusion about what viewers can expect.”
Spokesperson, Rex Ploytation explained the NFL’s decision Monday morning after this year’s performance featuring professional vocalists/role models/sex educators, Jennifer Lopez and Shakira.
“It should solve all the problems we keep having every other year with a small, but vocal minority of conservatives claiming we’re ruining the Super Bowl experience for their naive and over-protected children,” Ploytation continued.
Another NFL exec confided off the record, “In reality, it’s those Midwestern home school moms who are the naive ones. They’re worried about what Shakira and J.Lo are putting out there for the world to enjoy together in the family room, when what they really should be worried about is what little Billy is seeing in the privacy of his own bedroom on that new iPhone they gave him. Especially after we get little Billy’s motor running with Lopez and Shakira.”
Curiously, NFL CSO (Chief Sexecutive Officer), Ben Denial, defended the raciness of this past Sunday’s performance by using the words of Mere Christianity, a popular Christian book written before there were any Super Bowls. Author C.S. Lewis, stated, “There are people who want to keep our sex instinct inflamed in order to make money out of us. Because, of course, a man with an obsession is a man who has very little sales-resistance.”
“Pardon the pun, but C.S. Lewis nailed it,” declared Denial, laughing like a school boy, before he continued. “Promoting a sexual obsession in our viewers equals a bigger bottom line for us. Ha! Another pun! But seriously, this is business, pure and sexu… simple! Pure and simple! We’re giving the people what they want and then they thank us by spending money with our sponsors. Everyone wins.”
Ploytation and Denial, admitted the NLF knew ahead of time the sex education provided by the two twerking divas would offend many, but the decision was made with their core audience firmly in mind. “Let me be frank,” concluded Ploytation, “our target consumer is a beer-drinking, pizza-eating dude who doesn’t want to see a girl on the football field unless she’s half-naked. Hello! Why do you think we have the cheerleaders out there? And you don’t hear anyone complaining about them.”
After the announcement, NFL FEO (Female Empowerment Officer), Pamela Anderson, went over the short-list of Halftime names considered, along with the basic reasoning behind their rejection:
- The Super Bowl “This Is Not Your Amish” Halftime Show – “Too many words”
- The Super Bowl Half-nude Show – “We didn’t want it to sound too pornographic, fearing viewers would expect more… or less… or less is mor… We just thought it might set expectations too high.”
- The Super Bowl Sexy Back Halftime Show – “Liked the idea of reminding viewers of Justin Timberlake and the original “wardrobe malfunction,” but JT threatened to sue for copyright infringement.”
- The Super Burlesque Halftime Show – “Sounded too foreign and football is ‘Merican.”
- The Super Bowl Sex Education Show – “Thought it might remind viewers of awkward talks they had with adults when they were in middle school. Ew.”
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