We All have Same-Sex Needs
And though he didn’t pause before what he said next, for me it felt like one of those movie moments where time
Maybe that’s a little dramatic, but needless to say he had my attention.
You know those times when someone says something that hits you right between the eyes like a 2×4 of love?
This was one of those moments for me. The complete thought was this:
“We all have same-sex needs. They’re just not sexual.”
The Sensei Jedi Master who first shared those words with me goes by the name of Nate Larkin. I can’t remember if it was over lunch or over a Pirate Monk podcast interview, but I’ll never forget him saying it.
For context, Nate and I were talking about a man’s need to be in close, meaningful relationships with other men who know him best and love him most. And even though we were talking specifically about men, the same is true of the fairer sex. After all, as Nate put it, “We all have same-sex needs.”
However, this truth has largely been forgotten in a hyper-sexualized world where the greatest needs we’re even made aware of are sexual needs.
Indeed, are there any other needs more significant, as far as our culture is concerned?
In contrast, I would argue there isn’t even such a thing as sexual needs at all. Admittedly, we have sexual desires, preferences, and impulses. That much is undeniable. However, a healthy man or woman can live their entire lives without a single sexual experience beyond what happens only in their dreams while they sleep.
What’s Your Deeper Need?
But the greatest crime of our culture is not merely the exaltation of romantic/sexual love as the ultimate love necessary to meet our soul’s deepest need. It’s the natural consequence of this sexual idolatry, which is to prevent us from understanding – or even recognizing – the love that truly will meet our soul’s deepest need.
Of course, if you’re a believer you know the Sunday School answer of God’s unconditional love being the ultimate love for which we most long. And that much is true, but God also made us to love one another; to meet each other’s needs in relationships where we are able to get to know and to be known on a deep level. Known as human souls and not sex objects.
That said, believe it or don’t, outside a healthy parent-child or marriage relationship, the desire for this kind of relational intimacy is best met in platonic same-gender friendships where there isn’t any complication of romantic or sexual interest.
This is what Nate meant by, “We all have same-sex needs. They’re just not sexual.”
Men we’re made to be called up and welcomed into the sacred hallows of manhood by other men. And women were made to be nurtured and affirmed in the divine ways of femininity by other women. It’s been this way across time and culture, yet today this concept seems old fashioned.
However, to those who believe it old fashioned I say this: consider what’s “new fashioned”: a society that is becoming increasingly more unhappy, more lonely, and even more suicidal, as the “old fashioned” nuclear family fades away.
So, you reading right now. Do you understand that you have same-sex needs? And do you understand they’re not sexual? Because if you don’t, you’re going to live with a hole in your heart no sexual experience will fill. Ever.
And worse, living with a lack of relational intimacy will only intensify your longings for sexual intimacy. And even worse still…
If you don’t understand just how non-sexual your deepest needs for intimacy are, you can be tempted to sexualize your closest relationships.
You’ll think, “I feel close to this person. I want to feel closer. I must want something romantic or sexual.” Yet, outside of holy matrimony, romanticizing or sexualizing your relationships will blind you from even recognizing, much less meeting your your deeper need for an intimacy which is spiritual, emotional, and relational.
Because we all have same-sex needs. They’re just not sexual.
Would you like to grow in understanding and pursuing your heart’s greatest need for relational intimacy?
You’re in for a treat, because we’ve already put together a full-fledged online tutorial for empowering you to do just that. It’s called Relation^ology and you can get an overview of all that’s involved at this link.
Also, don’t miss our Hot Topic page dedicated to understanding and growing in healthy relationships.
- Can you write down the names of at least three members of your own gender who know you best and love you most and have subsequently affirmed and validated you as the image-bearer of God that you are?
- If not, who is one trustworthy person you think you could reach out to as a next step in meeting your NON-sexual same-sex needs?
- If so, when’s the last time you’ve hung out with them? Do you need to be more intentional about meeting your NON-sexual same-sex needs?
- Is there someone you could play a part in meeting their NON-sexual same-sex needs/
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!