When it comes to the topic of sex, there’s a lot of information (and even more opinion) floating out there (not to mention pornography), but in this post we’ll address the topic from a practical, Biblical perspective. as we reveal the 10 Secrets of Sex.
I pray (and truly believe) at least one of these secrets will bring a deeper understanding of human sexuality, but you’ll want to follow the appropriate hyperlinks where they lead to read further, and understand more clearly.
Secret #1: Sex is Not Bad.
By “not bad” I don’t mean to say that sex is actually pretty enjoyable. I mean to say that sex is not evil.
Perhaps that’s not the impression you got from “the talk” your parents gave you or the purity class you took at church. Regardless, sex is not bad, but it is dangerous. This is one of the reasons scripture commands that the marriage bed be held in honor among all (Hebrews 13:4). Fully understanding this secret will help you save sex for marriage.
Secret #2: The Sexual Purity Paradox
This is the secret behind why so many conservative Christians abandon their faith to embrace their sexual freedom. If you’d like to understand this process of falling away, or if you don’t want to become the next deconstructor you need to get a handle on this paradox.
Secret #3: Sex is a Conversation
Sex is not some specific act or set of acts that you want to wait for your wedding night to enjoy. It’s a whole way of relating to someone that should be reserved for your marriage partner.
Those who fail to live in the light of this secret, will struggle with sexual temptation needlessly.
Secret #4: Sexual Gratification is not a Recreational Activity
The Apostle Paul tells us to FLEE sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18-20), but our culture encourages us – yea verily, compels us – to FREE sexual immorality.
How does it do that?
By reducing sex down to a mere recreational activity. But this secret empowers you to understand how sex, while often quite enjoyable, is so much more than that. And should be treated accordingly.
Secret #5: Watch What You Watch
Jesus warns us that the eye is the lamp of the body (Luke 11:34-35).
If you do not live according to this secret, you will forever wonder why you so easily fall into sexual sin.
Secret #6: Logic ≠ Legalism
Some people say they are holding to sexual purity, when they’re really holding to moral legalism. All the while, what they really need is logic.
Well, we need a lot of things like grace and self-control, but, as Solomon so clearly points out in Proverbs 7:7-9, logic is usually what’s missing from the sexual purity strategy of many well-intentioned couples.
This secret is all about grasping the logic behind sexual purity.
Secret #7: Sexual compatibility is a red herring
Speaking of logic, Christian couples often logically wonder how they’re supposed to know they’ll be sexually compatibility with the person they marry if they marry as sexually-inexperienced virgins.
This secret is not about how to determine sexual compatibility, but about how much to actually care about it. And how the preoccupation with sexual compatibility distracts the attention of couples away from discerning far greater potential incompatibilities than sexual. Incompatibilities that will doom a marriage, regardless of how great the sex is.
Secret #8: Type-M Sex is Better than Type-H Sex
What is type-H sex? The kind promoted by Hollywood.
What is type-M sex? The kind you can enjoy in marriage.
This secret points out that, while the sex promoted in Hollywood may look good, it’s not real. Even if the people in a particular scene are actually having sex, it’s still being performed for an audience.
Secret #9: Performance Kills Intimacy… All Intimacy.
If you feel you have to perform for someone else, you can’t be your true self. And if they feel a need to perform for you, they can’t be their true self either. Can you see how this would thwart your ability to enjoy sex in marriage?
This secret encourages you to set sex free from the performance mentality. Because true lovers don’t perform in bed. They connect.
Secret #10: The Law of the Harvest Always Proves True
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. – Gal 6:7-8
That’s the law of the harvest. And it always proves true. Though often much later… and much more. Which means the consequences of your sexual sin might take a while to catch up with you. But. They. Will.
If you’d like to enjoy sex inside a life-giving, lifelong marriage, you want to live according to this secret, making the right choices and sowing the right seed.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Are you sexually compatible with the person you’re dating? How can you be certain; particularly if you want to save sex for marriage? How do you gauge your potential without having sex first? Don’t you at least need to mess around?
You wouldn’t buy a pair of pants you hadn’t tried on first, so why does the the Bible encourage us to select a lifelong sex partner without ever taking our pants off? That’s what we address in this episode of LoveEd!
What About Sexual Compatibility?
I am strongly convinced that sexual compatibility is a red herring. If you do the research, I think you will find both science and logic back me up.
If you aren’t familiar with the term, a “red herring” is not only a kind of fish. It is a literary device used to distract the reader from discovering a truth the writer wants to obscure for the moment. Think of a good mystery, where some evidence comes to light that totally makes you think “the butler did it,” when in reality it was the baker or the candlestick maker all along.
In other words, a red herring is used to throw you off the scent of what’s really going on in a story. Just imagine a criminal, who, when being chased by tracking dogs, throws a literal red herring as far as he can in one direction and then takes off in the other direction. The dogs go after the fish, and the felon gets away.
So a red herring is a calculated distraction designed to let the bad guy get away with murder. And that’s what sexual compatibility is. Because what God wants for your sex life is pretty simple: celibacy. That is abstinence outside of marriage and sexual delight in marriage.
But our culture—or more accurately our enemy—throws out the red herring of sexual compatibility to divert our attention away from that goal. The argument goes like this: how can you be certain you will be sexually compatible in marriage if you never experiment sexually with the person you are considering to fill the lifelong role of your monogamous sex partner?
And what an effective red herring sexual compatibility is! Distracting believers who God has called to holiness and luring them into sexual immorality like a dumb dog to a dead fish.
The Only Way to Be Sexually Compatible
Am I saying sexual compatibility is unimportant? Not exactly.
I’m aware that different people have different desires and expectations for sexual frequency, activities, positions, and the like. I get that.
However, after having enjoyed sex for over twenty-eight years with the same person (and only that person), wouldn’t you like to know what makes for our “sexual compatibility”?
Believe it or don’t, it has almost nothing to do with the sexual desires and expectations we each brought into our marriage. Instead, our sexual compatibility has grown out of (and is nurtured by) our compatibility in other more important areas of our relationship than our sex life.
Let me put it to you this way. You can, if you wish, blow off this little “red herring” lesson, mess around in your dating life, and marry someone who you know ahead of time you really enjoy having sex with.
However, do you know what could very likely happen one or two or ten years later? Your sex life could be boring, stale, or completely dead.
Or you can take my word for it and believe sexual compatibility is just a distraction. Believing this, you might not only marry as a virgin, you might be completely sexually inexperienced (which is actually my earnest prayer for you). Then, after you pledge, “I do,” you could find sex awkward, difficult, and even—gasp—disappointing.
However, you know what could happen one or two or ten years later? Your sex life could be amazing, fun, and life-giving to your marriage. Because apart from rare medical or physiological issues, happily married couples generally enjoy happy sex lives. While unhappily married couples usually aren’t having much sex at all. At least not with each other.
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Better understand your sexuality and how to effectively pursue sexual purity in video form! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on sexuality.
In other words, a red herring is used to throw you off the scent of what’s really going on in a story. Just imagine a criminal, who, when being chased by tracking dogs, throws a literal red herring as far as he can in one direction and then takes off in the other direction. The dogs go after the fish, and the felon gets away.
So a red herring is a calculated distraction designed to let the bad guy get away with murder. And that’s what sexual compatibility is. Because what God wants for your sex life is pretty simple: celibacy. That is abstinence outside of marriage and sexual delight in marriage.
But our culture—or more accurately our enemy—throws out the red herring of sexual compatibility to divert our attention away from that goal. The argument goes like this: how can you be certain you will be sexually compatible in marriage if you never experiment sexually with the person you are considering to fill the lifelong role of your monogamous sex partner?
And what an effective red herring sexual compatibility is! Distracting believers who God has called to holiness and luring them into sexual immorality like a dumb dog to a dead fish.
Sex and Marriage
When it comes to sex and marriage, just how important is the sex? Will it make or break your future marriage? The answer to that question should impact how you date and who you date.
How to Know If You’re Called to Marriage
Are you called to marriage? Ironically, this question is best answered by a biblical author who made it clear he was not called to marriage.
In 1 Corinthians 7:7, the Apostle Paul expressed the desire for all to live a life of celibate singleness like himself. In spite of his hopes, he knew most would not be able to join him on his crusade of sexlessness. Instead, in verses 8 and 9, he states the following:
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. —1 Corinthians 7:8-9 ESV
So how does this passage identify who is called to celibacy and who is called to marriage? Put simply, Paul suggests your sex drive will tell you.
Is sexual temptation not really a problem for you? You ought to seriously consider whether you might be called to celibacy.
Is exercising self-control a continual struggle? You can safely assume you’re called to marriage.
Marriage Isn’t About Sex
Of course, Paul isn’t promoting marriage as the solution to your lust problem. Everyone must eventually learn to exercise self-control in all areas of temptation, including sexual temptation. Especially sexual temptation. This reality is why…
Marriage is the best reason to wait for sex, but sex is the worst reason to rush into marriage.
Because marriage isn’t about sex. It’s the other way around.
Sex is about marriage, and marriage is about relationship: first your relationship with your spouse and then your relationship with any children your marriage may bring to life. And all the while, God designed the marriage relationship to illustrate the supernatural relationships of both God the Father with His Son, and His Son with His church.
So we see that marriage wasn’t created to bless sex. Sex was created to bless marriage, as it represents and facilitates the oneness of marriage.
You Are Probably Called to Marriage
To be clear, you don’t have to possess a sex drive that’s off the chain, stuck in overdrive, and high on crack to know you’re called to marriage. You could simply long for that oneness: the companionship, the connection, the relational intimacy of marriage.
Could you be wrong? Could you think your sex drive or your marital longings are telling you you’re supposed to be married, when, for whatever reason, God intends for you to embrace a life of celibacy?
It is possible, but based on Paul’s words, I don’t think God could blame you for guessing wrong. Paul certainly wouldn’t, as he stated flatly earlier in his letter:
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. —1 Corinthians 7:2 ESV
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Better understand your sexuality and how to effectively pursue sexual purity in video form! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on sexuality.
Should You be Hooking Up?
Should you be hooking up? Ask Dr. Donna Freitas who surveyed hundreds of college co-eds who were busy doing it.
Or if you can’t ask her (and don’t have the time to read her book) ask yourself these questions:
How many past lovers will your future spouse have to compete with in bed?
How many of THEIR past lovers will YOU have to compete with?
And how will all this competition impact your sex life in marriage?
As it turns out, when it comes to the “sexual freedom” indulged in on a regular basis by students immersed in the hookup culture, immediate gratification isn’t all that gratifying.
In fact, research conducted by Dr. Donna Freitas reveals that the majority of students hooking up on college campuses today don’t actually feel all that great about it, using words like “dirty,” “used,” “empty,” and “regretful” to describe their last sexual experience.
Granted that only includes a slight majority of males, so almost half of the guys are having the theoretical time of their lives, but prior to reading Dr. Freitas’s research, I would have assumed almost 100% of at least the male college students would have nothing but praise for hooking up.
At the end of the day, you need to decide who you’re going to trust:
Cultural propaganda or the Creator’s word
Fleeting passions or faithful principles
Your limited experience or the experience of adults who have “been there done that” (or perhaps the experience of college students in an unbiased research study)
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Better understand your sexuality and how to effectively pursue sexual purity in video form! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on sexuality.
TOP5 Things Sex has in Common with the 4th of July
Wow. It’s been a tough year for America so far, but if a post entitled the TOP5 Things Sex has in Common with the 4th of July can’t bring both some inspiration and levity to your life, what hope is there?
So in a bi-partisan effort to bring our fine nation together in unity, we proudly make this star-spangled tribute to sex and patriotism.
#5: Fireworks
What’s the 4th without fireworks? And the bigger the better!
Of course, fireworks do have a dark side. Namely, they’re dangerous, which is why the coolest, most amazing fireworks displays are designed, set up, and set off by trained and licensed professionals.
Long before the signing of the Declaration of Independence, “fireworks” has also been a euphemism for sex. And for good reason. Not only is romantic/sexual chemistry explosive fun, it can also hurt you if not handled with care.
Want to enjoy the fireworks of sexual intimacy without getting burned? Save sex for marriage!
#4: The Yearning for Freedom
The 4th may be fun, but what we celebrate is profound: the day our nation’s leaders dared to demand freedom from tyranny.
Similarly, a growing coalition within our culture is now demanding a freedom from Biblical sexual mores that neither the free-loving hippies nor the inventors of “the pill” could have possibly imagined back in 1960.
However, not all freedom is desirable (1Cor 6:12). For instance, who wants complete “driving freedom?” “Oh, kids will be kids. You can’t expect them to stop at red lights or pay attention to ‘School Zone’ signs. And who can say which side of the road is the ‘right side?’ Just as long as they use a seat belt!”
Desiring freedom is one thing. Winning it is quite another.
“The rocket’s red glare and bombs bursting in air” mentioned in the Star Spangled Banner weren’t for the ooos and ahhhs of spectators. They were fired during the War of 1812 waged against Great Britain.
That’s 25 years after the Constitutional Convention.
In other words, the Revolutionary War wasn’t enough. To maintain our freedom, Americans have had to continue to defend it, often times at great cost.
Do you want true sexual freedom? You will find it’s not enough to desire it. You must defend it as well.
I remember when I felt the allure of our hyper-sexualized culture irresistible. I certainly did not feel very free back then, because the easy “freedom” of sexual immorality actually ends up enslaving those who surrender to it.
#2: A Constitution to Protect Us from the Enemy Within
Remember the Arab Spring? How about back in 2003, when the statue of Saddam was toppled?
What’s become of all that? Are those people “free” today?
What went wrong?
The reality is that after you stage a revolution you have to negotiate a constitution – an agreement by which those who have won their freedom determine how they will maintain it.
Beyond that, simply drafting our US Constitution, with its extraordinary checks and balances, wasn’t enough. In the words of John Adams, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral & religious people.” And that people have had to uphold our constitution through colossal courage and sacrifice – including the deaths of over half a million lives in the Civil War.
In the same way, I couldn’t pretend my problem with porn and sexual fantasy was all the culture’s fault. I am my own worst enemy, and so I had to prayerfully form reasonable checks and balances to maintain my freedom. And then, with the help of God, my wife and trusted friends, I have to uphold them.
Fortunately, I’ve not only found freedom from sexual immorality life-giving, it has set me free to enjoy the marriage bed in a way I could have never imagined prior. (We call it Type-M Sex).
#1: Pride
National pride is at its peak during the Red, White and Blue holiday. It’s so celebrated, you’d almost think it a virtue.
Pride was certainly the driving force in the evolution of “sexual freedom” our country has witnessed through the years. Way before gay pride parades and the fight for “marriage equality,” it was the heterosexuals who were proudly rebelling against tradition back at Woodstock.
However, among other divine qualities, 1 Cor 13 tells us love “…does not boast. It is not proud.” And Prov 16:18 reminds us that, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
Consider that this weekend, whichever kind of fireworks you’re planning to enjoy.
Praying for your TRUE sexual freedom on this Independence Day. Happy 4th from all of us at FMU.
And for a deeper understanding of what true sexual freedom is and is not check out this LoveEd episode from the series, Dating 101, on our FMU YouTube channel.)
Dug this weekend’s DNA? Be a good friend and share with your friends on the social media platform of choice: Instagram, Youtube, Facebook, or Twitter.
The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE you fall in love!
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!
How to Keep from Going Too Far
Want to know how to keep from going too far? What if the battle for sexual purity is only successfully won ahead of the battle?
Then you want to establish a sexual purity strategy ahead of time! And that’s what the above video from our LoveEd series, Hot Topics Handled with Care, is all about.
But if you really want to know how to keep from going too far physically in your dating life, especially when the two of you are really into each other, you need to get logical about sexual integrity.
Imagine you had a significant issue with body odor. An issue so serious you applied copious amounts of antiperspirant before every date. With a spatula. And even that was futile.
If this was your reality (play along with me here), do you think you would engage in frequent, strenuous physical activities on dates guaranteed to get you perspiring? Or would you enjoy one-on-one time with your date in the heat of day inside a parked car with the AC off?
Why would you do such things if you know you’ll end up sweating like a pig as you secrete a stench strong enough to repel a rabid skunk?
Wouldn’t you want to keep your body temperature and heart rate low, if not out of self-respect, then out of honor for your date, who would be forced to tolerate your natural scent of death? Of course you would!
Follow the Logic
Yet two sincere Christians, who know sexual temptation is a reality, will nevertheless frequently engage in sexually arousing activities that get their body temperature rising and heart racing.
They’ll watch entertainment featuring gratuitous sexual situations and dialogue that mocks sexual purity.
They’ll dress in such a way as to say, “Dinner is served!”
They’ll flirt with each other using sexual inuendo.
They’ll engage in a kiss-fest that gets at least one of their sexual engines running in the red.
They’ll enjoy one-on-one time with their date in the heat of the night, inside a parked car with no one around.
And some will even do all of the above, date after date, and feel a certain pride about “not going too far,” even boasting about holding onto their virginity card.
Then, if and when they do fall into sexual sin, they’ll be more or less shocked, saying things like, “it just happened,” or “we just fell into it,” or “we just lost control.” The word “just” serving to communicate that there were no preceding events or behaviors that could have predicted the sin that followed.
So, if you are committed to saving sex for the covenant relationship of marriage, refuse to engage in sexually arousing activities that get your engine running in overdrive. Save all that for the marriage bed too. All of it.
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Better understand your sexuality and how to effectively pursue sexual purity in video form! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on sexuality.
Would You Like to Date Like You Know What You’re Doing?
College student, Danya Parvin, shares her thoughts after reading Date Like You Know What You’re Doing, the BRAND NEW dating book from Future Marriage University. She is interviewed by Doug Griffin, Afternoon Co-host of 94 FM the Fish during An Evening with Future Marriage University, our 2023 fundraiser.
“This is a Christian dating book void of legalism and full of practical, spirit-filled ways to date with wisdom. Coupled with Michael’s great sense of humor, I found it almost impossible to put down.” —Danya, college student
For more information or to purchase your copy, click here!
Is Abstinence God’s Will for Your Dating Life?
Would you like to know God’s will for your dating life?
I mean, for real? And not only for your dating life, but do you simply want to know His will?
Fortunately, our God wants us to know His will even more than we want to know it. In fact, three verses in the Bible explicitly declare, “This is the will of God.” And though dating wasn’t even a thing in Bible times, one of those verses proffers a very clear direction for your dating life. (I guess you could say God is pretty forward-thinking.)
For this is the will of God, your sanctification … —1 Thessalonians 4:3a ESV
There it is in black and white. God’s will is our sanctification. That means our purity, purification, or holiness.
So, the next natural question is, “How do you date in a pure and holy way?”
Well, we don’t have to wonder for long, for Paul clarifies it in the following verses, beginning with the second half of the verse we just read.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality … —1 Thessalonians 4:3 ESV (emphasis mine)
Paul says if we truly want to follow God’s will, we will abstain from sexual immorality. The Greek word for “sexual immorality” is “porneia.” It’s the root word of “pornography,” and refers to any sexual activity outside of marriage. Can you see what this has to do with dating?
Sexual Purity Is Bigger Than Abstinence
Put simply, if you want to follow the will of God in your dating life, you will save sex for marriage. But Paul doesn’t just leave us with a “no-no,” he wants us to catch a vision for how we should live our lives, and therefore how we should date.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor … —1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 ESV (emphasis mine)
Wow. That’s a grander picture of God’s will, isn’t it? He’s not just asking us to refrain from certain naughty things, He’s calling us up to become a certain kind of person. Not just a non-naughty person, but a person of true integrity, someone who knows “how to control his own body in holiness and honor.” Is that a tall order? Yes. Indeed, if you do not have God’s Holy Spirit inside you, I believe it’s an impossible order. However, I also find it inspiring.
The Biblical Sexual Standard Has Always Seemed “Unrealistic”
Regardless of anyone’s opinion, let me put one myth to death right here and now—the myth that the moral standards of scripture are no longer applicable because past cultures were somehow less “progressive” than we are today.
On the contrary, according to this passage, the culture in Paul’s day wasn’t any more chaste than ours is now.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God … —1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ESV (emphasis mine)
I guess you could say that those “who do not know God” have always lived their lives “in the passion of lust.” And in Jesus’ day, they managed to live so without the prevalence of internet porn.
So if Paul’s words applied back then, they apply to us today. Put simply, those who know God should act very differently from those who do not, whenever in history or wherever in the world they find themselves.
Do you really want to know God’s will? Well, this is obviously a pretty big deal to Him. And if you’re still not convinced, let’s continue reading after verse 5:
… that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. —1 Thessalonians 4:6-8 ESV
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Better understand your sexuality and how to effectively pursue sexual purity in video form! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on sexuality.
Got a Complicated Relationship?
Got a complicated relationship? Particularly a dating relationship?
Here’s an analogy for why dating relationships so often become so complicated.
Imagine I wanted to paint a picture of a lemming.
Perhaps that doesn’t sound like an impossibility to you. Perhaps you’re an accomplished painter and have always raised lemmings as pets. In that case, you could paint a lemming with your eyes closed. With no drop cloth. However, there are some parameters you should know about me as I approach this artistic endeavor.
First, let’s assume I don’t even know what a lemming looks like because I’ve never seen one, but I’ve heard they resemble something like a cross between a guinea pig and a wolverine.
Secondly, I don’t know how to paint, but I’m pretty sure I can do it because I’ve seen it done on TV. And by “seen it done on TV,” I don’t mean I’ve watched Bob Ross instructional videos. I mean to say I’ve seen shows and movies where painting was being done as part of the action on screen. (I can remember the movies Emma and Little Women in particular. And I’ve watched them more than once.) All of that to say, I have no training, but it doesn’t look that hard. You just put the brush in the paint and then put the paint on the paper. Or canvas. Or wood. (I believe the Mona Lisa was painted on a wood panel and I have some plywood in the garage.)
Thirdly, I don’t want to take the time to get paintbrushes, so I thought I’d just use a hairbrush. (A brush is a brush, right?)
Lastly, before I start, I’m going to drink a little alcohol. Or maybe a lot. Just enough to feel more relaxed. And artistic.
Now, what is my painting going to look like?
Someone might mistake it for modern art, but no one’s going to look at my painting and say, “Oh what a lovely lemming! It almost looks like a photograph.”
On Painting Lemmings & Being In Love
Now here’s the analogy …
For starters, most unmarried people in our world today, hoping to carry on a life-giving romance, have likely never observed one single healthy dating relationship in the course of their natural lives. It’s an “animal” they’ve never laid eyes on.
However, they’ve seen how it’s done in film, television, and videos. Not instructional videos, but they’ve watched infinitely more love scenes than I’ve watched painting scenes. And all that familiarity builds a level of confidence that overshadows my confidence in painting.
On top of this, most teens and young adults (or older adults, for that matter) have never acquired the right tools to thrive in a long-term, committed relationship. They only know how to sustain semi-intimate friendships and work relationships, and they’ve never felt that close to their family. So, they’re like me in front of a scrap of plywood with tempera paint and a hairbrush.
Lastly, though many do engage in recreational drinking while dating (to feel more relaxed and sexy), you don’t have to drink anything to have your judgment and sense of restraint seriously impaired by the neurochemistry of infatuation. (More on that in Chapters 12 and 20.) This is one of the reasons we enjoy being in love. It feels. So. Good!
So, the next time a friend asks you, “Why does dating have to be so complicated?” ask them if they’ve ever painted a picture of a lemming with a hairbrush. While drunk.
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
Learn truths for thriving in relationships! This video featured on our FMUniversity YouTube channel introduces several different LoveEd series on relationships.
How You Wind Up Dating a Control Freak
Three common reasons explain how you can fall for a control freak, but first, here are five signs you are dating a one:
They don’t only want to dominate the conversation. They want to dominate your mind.
They don’t only want to share their opinion. They want you to share their opinion.
They don’t only want to influence you. They want to manipulate you.
They don’t only want to check in on you. They want to supervise you.
They don’t only want your time together to revolve around them. They want your whole life to revolve around them.
Sounds like a relationship of perpetual delight, right?
Or maybe terror.
Learn from Samson. He fell for a manipulative maiden named Delilah. She sapped every ounce of will from him, and in the end, she was more or less the death of him. You can check out the whole sordid tale in Judges 16.
Falling for a Control Freak
Why wouldn’t a healthy person avoid a control freak like the plague? Or zombies? Or a barren wasteland? Or a barren wasteland filled with zombies carrying the plague?
First, the positive qualities of the control freak (their good looks, charm, and talents) can overshadow their controlling ways early on.
Secondly, their controlling ways might not even be employed at first. Not because they’re trying to hide them, but because they don’t need them at first. When you’re falling in love, most just want to enjoy the ride, including the controller.
However, when the love chemistry begins to subside or you note red flags you missed before and the control freak senses they might be losing you, their manipulative, desperate ways will be revealed. This is why Dating Commandment #8 is thus:
Thou shalt not treat red flags like they are part of a carnival.
A third reason you may not feel controlled at first? For a control freak to know how to control you well, they first have to know you well. They have to get to know your family, friends, work hours, workout routines, church commitments, and hobbies.
In that season when the control freak is getting to know you, it doesn’t feel like control. It feels like attention. Indeed, you really don’t know attention until you’ve had the attention of a control freak. It can make you feel pretty special, at first. But once the whole motive behind all that attention is exposed, it can feel constricting—even suffocating—real fast.
The control freak might even move from manipulation to threatening to hurt you or harm themselves if you leave the relationship. If so, get a responsible third party involved immediately! You may want to pacify them, but their goal is to control you, so appeasement requires giving them nothing less than control.
If you would like an entire book filled with the kind of practical, Biblical wisdom on sex, dating, and relationships you just finished reading, you can get it NOW! The above post is an excerpt from Date Like You Know What You’re Doing: Your DatePrep Guide. Here are other excerpts from the same book.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
That’s why I wrote Date Like You Know What You’re Doing to empower you to:
Discern God’s will for your dating life.
Avoid heartbreak, rejection, and regret.
Date with confidence and clarity.
Win the war over sexual temptation.
Let your marriage hopes inspire, instead of impede your dating life.
When it comes to the topic of sex, there’s a lot of information (and even more opinion) floating out there (not to mention pornography), but in this post we’ll address the topic from a practical, Biblical perspective. as we reveal the 10 Secrets of Sex.
A dating life that leads to a life-giving, lifelong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You need to know what you’re doing.
