Make America DATE Again with Donald Trump’s Dating Don’ts
[WARNING: This post is satire. Please do not read this post if any of the following apply to you:
- You do not understand satire
- You don’t like satire
- You are offended by satire
- You don’t know what satire is
The following is a guest post written by our current sitting president. The publishing of this post is for shameless promotional purposes only and does not constitute an endorsement by Future Marriage University (FMU) of any of the content below, nor of the man, nor of his presidency, nor of his campaign, nor of his mom.
But it might be funny. If you enjoy satire.]
Guys! If you would like to become the man of a certain woman’s dreams, I’m going to tell you how to do that, because I’m the only one who knows. And I want to make America DATE again!
Trust me. I’ve had a lot of experience with this. It really boils down to the art of the deal. The dating deal. And I’m going to make it really simple. Here are my five Dating Don’ts. They have served me well through all my dating negotiations. Violate them and it will be a disaster. Respect them, and it will be great!
#1: Don’t pass up the chance to call people names!
If the subject of past roommates comes up? Call them the morons that they were. If they weren’t morons, you’d still be living with them. But they were, so you’re not. You identified the problem and you dealt with it. That’s what makes you a man.
Your boss? They’re likely a moron too, but you want to mix it up. Don’t use the same names. Try loser, buffoon or clown. And don’t just call them just any name. Pick one that fits best.
With parents you can get more dramatic. Don’t just call them names. Talk about what they did to you. Call their parenting what it was: a disaster.
If they would have raised you better, you’d be happily married right now. Maybe more than once even.
But you’re not. You’re reading this post. And that’s a problem. And you have to get to the root of the problem.
And don’t get me started on what to call ex-girlfriends or the girls who turned you down. MJ is editing this post, so I have to keep it PG. But whatever you want to rate it, let’s make America DATE again!
“There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.” – Proverbs 12:18 (NASB)
#2: Don’t be modest!
If you’re like me, you’re proud of yourself. You’re proud of who you are. You’re proud of what you’ve done. Truly, deeply proud.
So do this. Here’s what you want to do. You want to promise yourself. On your next date, make sure she knows it.
Tell her, “I’m proud of myself. I’m very proud of myself.”
And not just on the first date, but any date.
You’re proud. You know this. She needs to know. And if she seems to doubt you’re confidence, tell her other people have told you they’re proud of you too; said you’re a great guy; a super-classy guy.
“I’m very proud of myself.” You can’t say it enough. And the more you say it the more she’ll believe it.
You won’t believe it. But believe it. You can take it to the bank.
Together we can make America DATE again! And that’s something we can all be proud of!
“Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger, and not your own lips.” – Prov 27:2 (NASB)
#3: Don’t do details!
If there’s anything that keeps a woman excited about a relationship, it’s not knowing. Not knowing your intentions. Not knowing your character. Not knowing where your relationship is headed.
Seriously! They love it! They eat it up! It keeps em on the edge of their seat!
So never. And I’m going to say this again: never get specific.
That means when you ask her out, keep it vague. Don’t even call it a date.
Even if you’ve been out multiple times, avoid specifics.
As for letting her get to know who you are?
You’ve already told her who you are! You’re proud of yourself. What else does she need to know?
If she gets real nosy about your career goals or about when you’re going to move out of your Mom’s basement, just tell her, “It’s going to be great,” or, “Huge,” or, “Amazing,” or, “Tremendous.”
Whatever. You get the picture.
Bottom line, don’t let her pin you down. Just change the subject.
And if she keeps pressing you, change your girl.
You don’t need to keep the same date to make America DATE again.
“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.” – Prov 11:3 (ESV)
#4: Don’t forget your hair!
My hair is so iconic, you could recognize my shadow.
When I’m on talk shows. When I was on Jimmy Fallon. The guy – great guy – he couldn’t help but run his fingers through it. And I am very proud of that!
I have what’s called a stand-out haircut. It leaves an impression. And, when it comes to the ladies, that’s what you want to leave! You want to leave an impression. A huge impression.
Now don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying you should attempt to rival my tremendous comb over. You won’t be able to do it. I’m the only one who can do this.
What I’m saying is; the point I’m making: be original.
Try a mullet; a bowl cut. If you want to be subtle, grow a rat tail. You’ll look like a young Jedi. And that would be amazing. You can be my Padawan.
But if you really want to do what no one else is doing, try pulling off a cul-de-sac. Shave the top of your head.
You’ll look like a monk. A hugely-classy monk. Only one who dates. Even better, a monk who’s helping make America DATE again! That would be colossal!
“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” – Prov 20:29 (ESV)
#5: Don’t let her in!
I don’t care how many times you’ve gone out and how much you think you like her. You can’t afford to let a girl get too close to you. You can’t let anyone get too close to you; least of all a woman.
So build a wall. And make it huge.
You need to fix the problem. A wall will fix the problem.
Walls fix everything. Talk is just talk, but walls fix problems.
And if she tries to break through the wall, you gotta put a stop to it.
And make her pay for it. Along with the tab.
Hey, they’re all feminists today anyway. So make ’em pay.
That’s how you show her who’s boss.
And that’s what I am. I’m the boss. And I’m really proud of that.
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”– 1 Cor 13:11-12 (ESV)
Hope that helps you, because I want to make America DATE again!
Can I count on your help?
[The post above was originally published ahead of the presidential election in Oct of 2016. Let it be noted, that in the interest of fairness, we attempted to get the other side’s story. We asked Hillary Clinton if she’d offer some advice to the ladies. I figured the woman who could win the heart of Bill Clinton has got to have a whole server-load of dating advice. Provided they didn’t get lost somehow. Sadly, her manager’s coordinator’s secretary’s assistant’s gofer said she was too busy to comment. If you can get me in touch with Biden or Harris, I’d love to have them share their insight. Also, if you want more serious Dating Don’ts click here. And if you’re a fan of satire, click here.]
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
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[originally published: 10/12/16]