The Blind Spots that get You Friend-Zoned
Of course you can’t see your blind spots, or they wouldn’t be blind spots, but do you know them? Because if you don’t, it’s going to be awfully difficult to avoid the friend zone.
In our current Date Night Advice (DNA) series, The Friend Zone Files, we’ve already identified seven different reasons you get friend-zoned, and in this post we’ll share four more, but as I was preparing to write this piece it struck me: someone could read through this entire list of reasons you get friend-zoned and think, “Nope. No. Not me. Not me either. No way. Who would do that? Whoa! Can people really be this clueless?”
And that’s just it:
When it comes to our blind spots we are ALL clueless!
They don’t call them blind spots for nothing. Or as an older, wiser friend of mine is fond of saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”
However, pride says, “I DO know. I got this! I certainly don’t need any help!”
But if you find yourself in the friend zone, maybe there’s a thing or two you don’t know about yourself (or the opposite sex). Maybe you don’t have it all together. And maybe you could use a little help.
And maybe that’s PERFECTLY FINE!
So before I present the next four reasons you get friend-zoned, consider the issues I’m about to address could be present in your life even though you aren’t aware.
Remember: they’re blind spots.
So how can you know something you can’t see?
It requires something called faith.
So before reading further, I urge you to pray and ask God to open your eyes to see and your ears to hear, what maybe you don’t want to see or hear. And ask Him for a humble heart, so you can receive the truth and get the help you need.
Nuff said, here are four common blind spots that condemn many a desperate soul to the dungeon of despair known as the friend zone.
Are you too casual?
First, when it comes to overall appearance and the way you carry yourself, do you come across too casual?
There’s certainly nothing wrong with eschewing formality and just being yourself. However, the fact is that what you consider casual, members of the opposite sex may consider something else entirely:
Of course, our culture compels us to obsess about our physical appearance, and so we compare our own hair, face, physique, and fashion to that of others, inspiring pride when we feel we come out ahead and self loathing when we feel we don’t.
To be sure, you are right to rebel against this vain and even toxic mindset, which causes some to dress to impress, others to just wear less, and ultimately drives many to drastic measures from cosmetic surgery to eating disorders.
However, there is a balanced way to consider your appearance. The goal shouldn’t be to look perfect, or better than the pack, or too sexy for your shirt. The objective should be to look your best!
For most of us, even our own mother (who’s love never waned even through our awkward puberty stage) has always pushed us to look our best. She knew that, just like proper manners…
Dressing and grooming ourselves in a way that sets others at ease is about communicating honor to those who must behold our appearance the entire time we are in their presence.
Why wouldn’t you want to do that for someone you longed to be “that special someone”?
And why should you be surprised that someone doesn’t consider you special when you look (and maybe even smell) like a middle schooler who doesn’t use a comb or deodorant?
If you suspect you might be weak in the “looking your best” category, ask the friend you know owns that department to help you dress for success instead of the friend zone.
Are you too serious?
Ain’t no crime to be serious, but one of the most healthy and fun facets of a life-giving, life-long marriage is laughter. And the same is true for any intimate relationship between family members, friends, neighbors, or co-workers.
Care to fight me on this one? Then this is likely your blind spot.
Do you enjoy laughter?
Obviously not everyone has the same longing for levity, but we all need a little bit of it.
A healthy sense of humor helps us laugh at circumstances when they turn out different than we expected and laugh at ourselves when we trip over our own two feet.
Can you find the humor in everyday life?
If not, you might want to get to the bottom of why.
- Is it from hurt in your past?
- Is it born out of an insecure self-awareness that keeps you from letting your guard down?
- Are you half-Vulcan?
If you think this might be a blind spot for you, get with a friend who’s sense of humor you wish you had and ask for their insight as to whether you need to lighten up to get out of the friend zone, and avoid it in the future.
Are you too unreliable?
Maybe you’re both fashionable and fun, but you’re always late or never follow through on your word.
To be fair, few people are always late or never follow through on their word, but what many unreliable people fail to understand is this:
Keeping your commitments four out of five times may be a majority of the time, but it still leaves others wondering when that fifth time is going to come around again.
Again, perfection isn’t the objective. The goal should be consistency. We all make mistakes, but a wise individual looking for a potential life partner knows you should only rely on someone as much as you can trust them, and you should only commit to someone as much as you can rely on them.
However, unreliable people generally underestimate how undependable they are, so ask a friend who’s self-discipline you respect to weigh in on whether your current friend-zoned status might be due to your reliability status, and what adjustments you should make to change both your reliability and relationship status in the future.
Are you too controlling?
Do you know who likes to be controlled by other people?
But do you know who likes to control other people?
Sadly, many people. (Maybe me, even. Just ask my kids. On second thought, don’t!)
Regardless, control addiction is a mindset that will stunt your social life and sabotage your ability to thrive in long-term, sacrificial relationships. In other words…
That inner control freak your family and friends may find harmless or even cute, might be perceived as a red flag by someone who doesn’t want a quality like that in a potential life partner.
Hence, it could be putting you in the friend zone.
So watch this LoveEd episode from our Love Assassins series on our our FMU YouTube channel and discuss your thoughts with a friend who could help you determine if this is a possible blind spot that’s getting you friend-zoned.
DNA: It’s What’s For Dating
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.
Even better? And ask a rock star married couple you respect to lead it!