The Relational Reporter: Girl Catches Jesus Cheating!
“I had hoped he was ‘The One,'” confessed Faith Lisbride. “That is until I found out he was two-timing me. With my best friend of all people!”
Believing she was in a dating relationship with Jesus Sonofgod, Lisbride had already officially gone on record the previous month, changing her relationship status on social media, but now she was in tears upon her discovery that her “boyfriend” wasn’t exactly exclusive in his affections toward her.
“I guess he gets around too, because it seems he’s dated half the girls in our student group,” continued Lisbride. “A lot of them at the same time! It’s like he thinks he’s God’s gift to women!”
In contrast, Lisbride demonstrated her own faithfulness the previous week, when she used her relationship with Sonofgod to turn down a dating offer from Joe Avredge, a young man described as having “a great personality.”
Lisbride, who sensed Sonofgod had been pursuing her for some time, decided to take things to the next level while at a worship concert, where she publicly declared she could “sing of his love forever.”
“I told him he was the king of my heart, but that was when I thought he was never going to let; NEVER going to let me down,” stated Lisbride, bitterly. “The fact of the matter is, he asked for all of my affection, but then he wanted me to share his love with others. And I wasn’t interested in sharing Jesus with anyone.”
Sonofgod was silent in response to Lisbride’s accusations, except when asked whether he believed he was God’s gift to women. To this he responded simply, “I am.”
Meanwhile, it’s rumored Faith Lisbride has already agreed to a date this coming weekend with Christian Inaimownly, who is described as quite charming and easy on the eyes.
The Relational Reporter: unreal stories. real truth. really funny.
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Relationships, Dating & Jesus: Oh My!
Obviously, from the satirical post above, you can gather we don’t recommend “dating Jesus.” Not even as a reason to turn down unwanted date invitations. But we do encourage you to invite Jesus into your dating, relationship and sex life.
For practical advice in doing just that, start with this video which offers flirting guidelines derived from what Jesus taught and how He lived. It’s from our LoveEd series, How to Flirt like a Christian, and can be found on our FMUniversity YouTube channel!
Then check out one of the Date Night Advice posts below. The first warns of the dangers of expecting your (girl/boyfriend) to do what only Jesus can do. The second gives a critical first step in growing your relationship with Jesus before you ever seek a serious dating relationship. With someone else that is. Not Him.
My Girlfriend is Jesus
Have you ever heard a worship song referred to as a “Jesus is my girlfriend” song? That’s when the words to the song are so intimate it borders on the romantic, sensual or even sexual.
Of course, worship songs are all about God, but when you start talking about feeling Him under your skin, or falling in love with Him and sharing sloppy wet kisses it begins to sound like you might be singing to your girlfriend or boyfriend.
But you know what I think is even scarier than the church singing “Jesus is my girlfriend” songs? The mainstream pop world singing “My girlfriend is Jesus” songs. [Read More]
Growing in Love with John, Jesus and Julie
One of the most precious dialogues you’ll ever witness in any movie takes place in Mr. Holland’s Opus. In the scene, the wife of the main character, Jack Holland, reveals to him that she’s pregnant (when they weren’t trying).
He’s clearly in shock upon hearing the news, which of course, is never the sort of reaction an unexpectedly expectant mother is looking for from her husband.
But then he makes the “save.”
He starts off by telling her about the first time he heard a record from jazz saxophonist John Coltrane. (Coltrane wasn’t just a jazz musician; he pioneered modal jazz, a newer, more avant-garde form of jazz.) Jack confessed that he didn’t like Coltrane at first, but he listened to it again and again and again and eventually he grew to love it – a lot.
Then he says these words: “You tell me we’re going to have a baby; and that’s like hearing John Coltrane for the very first time all over again.” To which she replies, “If that’s a lie, it’s the sweetest lie I’ve ever heard.” (And he’s out of the doghouse.)
Oh that I could convince you in this short lesson: if you will read God’s word again and again and again, you’ll grow to love it more than John Coltrane. You’ll grow to love it more than your favorite artist, song, movie, person, place or thing. Give it time! [Read More]
Want to go beyond what a blog post can accomplish? The LoveEd discipleship series, Beyond Sex & Salvation, will empower you to prepare for relational success when it counts: BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE!
It’s NOT for couples, but for any wise individual who thinks they might want to get married sometime before they die. And would like to learn how to better build healthy relationships in the meantime.
Check out all three study guides in our store. You can walk through them on your own, but it’s more fun with friends (that and it kinda makes sense to grow in relational success in actual relationships with others), so consider putting together an FMU LoveEd small group study.